Home > Free Form Poetry, Poetry, Writing > (untitled) – Carry On Tuesday #69

(untitled) – Carry On Tuesday #69

Photo courtesy of: blue-star

I stand in line patiently awaiting
my inevitable arrival, so far away
these gates of marble and fresco,
gleaming in golden sun much larger here.

So slow it moves this line I know,
yet matter not enthralled as we are,
moving ever closer, our eternal fates
as thoughts, creep forward, on step nearer.

Gunshots ring in alleys dripping
dark and wet, the red of blood
washed down gutters to oceans
far, my body cold as raindrops fall.

(c) 2010 by D. Wright

This was written for Carry On Tuesday #69. I’m not sure if it is finished or if more is needed so any critical feedback would be great! Thanks for stopping by and enjoy!

******

Updating this for Jingle’s Poetry Potluck – 12 Sept 2010. Hope everyone enjoys!

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  1. August 31, 2010 at 7:56 pm

    Oh my, such deep, dark thought provoking words…I felt a chill down my spine..I think it is just perfect the way it is. BRILLIANT job my friend xx

  2. September 1, 2010 at 12:04 am

    This is beautifully written, but yes, it left me wanting more. It has the feel of rhyming, formal poetry, even though it isn’t. The rhythm is so good, showing the skill of the writer.

  3. Ilakya Spandhanaa
    September 1, 2010 at 8:41 am

    best of poems often feel unfinished and puzzling.. 🙂 I guess thats the beauty of it… Wonderful poetry!

  4. September 1, 2010 at 2:35 pm

    I like open ended poetry. Leaves much to the imagination. I like the rhyming here.

  5. September 1, 2010 at 2:35 pm

    You can read mine:

    curling and uncurling

  6. September 2, 2010 at 5:55 am

    The darkness here is really intense and the photo sets the imagery well. Truly well done. I have done several dark pieces, and in fact it is my main focus. Its nice to see another share the trade so well. Anyway do fill free to return out side the rallies and see some of the other works i have done, i am near 200 now and well just saying there is lots of diamonds amongst the coal.

    Shoeless

  7. Prime
    September 2, 2010 at 1:22 pm

    Dear Sir,

    Your poetry is definitely written with emotion, and it has the intended effect of introducing a deep feeling of darkness within the reader.

    But it also feels…shallow. Shallow isn’t the right word, but I am currently unable to come up with the correct word.

    The best way I can explain what I’m trying to say is this…

    You’re describing a picture of a sunset.

    Now, please bear with me.

    A long time ago, you took a picture of a beautiful sunset. You took this picture home with you. You placed this picture in your sock drawer, and closed it.

    Now, you are describing the picture to someone.

    The person you’re describing it to understands what’s on the picture. They feel some of the bliss that comes from seeing such a beautiful image. They know what you’re describing, but they aren’t actually seeing it.

    This poem feels as though, to me at least, you’re simply describing a picture of something. I understand the general context of it. I feel the general emotions. I know the general bits and parts, but I’m not SEEING it.

    Do you see what I mean?

    It doesn’t hold the full force of emotion and feeling that it could.

    By no means at all am I attempting to offend you or your work. I’m simply trying to help you grow in your skill as a poet. I love this piece, I do. I’m simply saying, humbly, that you could go to much greater heights. Please, please, PLEASE don’t get offended by this.

    We all have our strengths and weaknesses. I’m particularly bad with keeping meter when I write poetry. Too many people get offended at the slightest critique of their work, and it really makes me sad to know that they won’t grow as an author because they can’t accept constructive criticism.

    In any case, I look forward to seeing more from you.

    Best of regards,
    Prime

    • September 2, 2010 at 2:24 pm

      no offense at all! i love critique and wish i got more! thank you for the comment!

  8. September 7, 2010 at 6:42 am

    deep words..
    well said.

  9. September 8, 2010 at 3:20 am

    This one is one of those poetic vehicles that belongs to the poet. If it leaves the reader wanting more, maybe more is a good thing, maybe not, but more is entirely up to the writer. You could write ten more stanzas and still the reader might want another…or let it stand as it is, and let your audience fill in their own blanks. Well done! 🙂

  10. September 12, 2010 at 8:45 pm

    Glad to see you in,
    your work is very creative and thought provoking.
    🙂

  11. September 12, 2010 at 9:17 pm

    Amazing words, so filled with emotions!:3 Love it ^^~ and have a great week ahead my friend, it is great to have you in Poetry Potluck, have fun!^^~

  12. September 12, 2010 at 9:47 pm

    I thank you so much for linking with Potluck…it means a lot. From the heart ~ Amanda xxx

  13. systematicweasel
    September 13, 2010 at 5:06 am

    An awesome submission to potluck! Wonderfully written work! =)

    -Weasel

  14. September 13, 2010 at 7:05 am

    Thanks for passing this dish for the potluck!

  15. September 13, 2010 at 2:53 pm

    OMG, I feel so much pain. The photo fits in well with the last verse of the poem.
    It’s something I would like to paint. Victoria

  16. penelopephoebe
    September 14, 2010 at 5:28 am

    This gave me goosebumps. I loved the darkness of it.

    • September 14, 2010 at 6:19 am

      thank you! come back anytime!

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