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Untitled…

With all the poems I’ve read lately about war and such, I was inspired to write my own. This is a rough draft, definitely not finished by any means and is still untitled. Please enjoy and any feedback would be greatly appreciated.

no light at the end

this tunnel of war

just red of blood

upon sandy floors

death of innocents

both sides incur

yet all we receive

are His tears falling

sorrowful

vengeful

mad at all

and still he

forgives

the sin of us all

the sin

of creation

the sin

of man.

                                                    (c) 2010 by D. Wright

 

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  1. DiamondsAndDogs
    August 15, 2010 at 9:56 am

    This was great. It has nice rhythm and the imagery come through clearly.

    Regards…

  2. August 15, 2010 at 11:18 pm

    Hey Dc! Maybe “his” can be replaced. Just saying cuz there are women in the service too and the internet can be very unforgiving when it comes to such things even as original as your poem. I dig it!

    • August 16, 2010 at 6:14 am

      His in this context is actually reffering to God, but thx for the input and good words!

    • August 16, 2010 at 4:26 pm

      I felt the His and later, his, grounded me immediately, letting me know that the poet was talking of God. We still live in a society that sees a paternal figure in that role, so it isn’t out of date by any means (although we know that God really is a woman) Also the reader can’t expect the poet to be politically correct. How the writer experiences their understanding and image of God is personal.

      I really liked this piece. I was a bit confused at the part where it says yet all we receive… but upon 2nd and 3rd read, that phrase grew on me and I began to understand. To me, when a poem makes me go back and read again, and when the understanding is easily reached, I feel like I have joined in the creative act – and the poem becomes all the better for drawing my curiosity into it.

      • August 16, 2010 at 5:52 pm

        thank you for all the good feedback and the title suggestions. I am going to rework this poem a little and repost at a later date.

  3. August 16, 2010 at 10:37 am

    I’m not religious, so I cannot entirely understand the sentiment but the words do help me see it. I think it needs to be more gritty/dirty/ugly before the salvation part. Just a suggestion, but because you seem to have a real knack for painting imagery with your words… you could make it more personal rather then a generalized war, like add a story of people actually involved.

    Does that make sense? In any case, this was a great read!

  4. August 16, 2010 at 4:30 pm

    Title suggestions:

    In Spite Of;

    Sad Epiphany;

    Acceptance;

  5. August 16, 2010 at 6:44 pm

    The poem demonstrates conviction and flows nicely. Good job. True sentiment.

  6. August 19, 2010 at 5:38 pm

    lovely job….

    visit poets to enjoy another kind of fun!

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