Home > Poetry, Writing > Finally!!

Finally!!

Finally! I’ve actually written something. It is short but I WORKED on it, thought about it, rearranged it AND… I like it! It is as yet untitled so I’m gladly taking suggestions!

Washed ashore

forever more

Her dreams of sea

slip quietly away

as leaves fall down

upon empty bow,

Mahogony, once polished

now left to dull

under drying sun

with nought to uphold

but cobwebs and mold,

The essence of her hull,

Weeping silently to Land,

her unwitting captor.

                                                              (c) 2010 by D. Wright

OK, so needs some revision probably, but for the first peice of my writing challenge, I am happy. It only gets better from here!

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  1. August 12, 2010 at 6:47 pm

    This was lovely!!!! The image sooo matched the beautiful picture that you’ve created with your words…
    I never even once felt that this one needed any editing! ITs looks perfect as it is!!

    And I thought the title really suited the poem.. “Finally’, the lone reaches the shore, not knowing if this is where she was supposed to be…
    Bravo!
    Keep writing, and keep up the good work!! 🙂

    • August 13, 2010 at 9:28 am

      thank you for the kind words. i have always been hard on myself as well as shy. To have people read my work and comment as you have means a lot and more will definitely come!

  2. August 12, 2010 at 10:44 pm

    This is an excellent poem just as it is…your work has paid off well. Weeping silently to land, her unwilling captor…this sounds like you’re a seasoned poet. Well done!

    Tracy H

    • August 13, 2010 at 9:29 am

      thank you very much for the praise!

  3. August 13, 2010 at 6:27 am

    You’re too hard on yourself. This was beautiful and haunting. I want more not less.

    • August 13, 2010 at 10:38 am

      I am VERY hard on myself and YES i need to relax a bit. 🙂 all in good time I say… Thank you for the good words and there WILL be more!

  4. Sophia
    August 13, 2010 at 6:38 am

    WOWOWOWOWOW I really really like it stinker! its very pretty

  5. August 13, 2010 at 11:43 am

    This is a treat to read. You should be glad you made yourself take this writing challenge. 🙂 Can’t wait to read more.

    • August 13, 2010 at 11:59 am

      Thanks for the encouragement!

  6. August 13, 2010 at 2:58 pm

    Fine, fine poem. Well considered. Well written. Don’t revise. Thank you for the gift of this poem … Finally! … quite a suitable name all things considered… yes. Good work.

  7. August 15, 2010 at 8:37 am

    I get so excited when writers challenge themselves by looking at their work critically and ask for objective feedback from others and I also love it when readers have the courage to give me thoughtful feedback (I’m not refering to compliments, but how the reader sees or interprets the piece). This, as you know, is the process by which we all become better writers.

    In this poem you’ve shown me a ship that is stranded on shore, and neglected, turns into a ruin. The last line leaves us with the ship’s fate – a captive of the Land. Two of the lines end in rhyme, but the poem is mostly free verse, so the need for fulfilling a rhyme rule isn’t there.

    I feel like the second line phrase: “forever more” is a sentimental and frequently used phrase from Victorian era poetry and children’s tales. The reader doesn’t need to be told forever more because the rest of this poem shows it clearly in physical descriptions of what is happening to the boat. These are vivid and much more powerful evidence of the time passing and of the future prospect.
    Suggestions: We know which direction leaves fall, so we don’t need to be told this unless the direction is important. The impact of the image is complete when you say, Leaves fall upon empty bow.

    The final line works like an executioner’s blade and tears the reader’s heart out for the boat’s captive state. Suggestion for title: something that portends the boat’s future, like ‘The Sentence’ or the boat’s situation, like ‘Ruin’. Or, sticking with your journey of getting the poem to its final state and reflecting what the poem is about, you could use a title like, ‘Finished’.

    I think you’ve done a great job; I felt really, really sorry for this boat and hadn’t thought before about land as an antagonist captor! Nice job!

    • August 15, 2010 at 2:24 pm

      thank you so much for the feedback! I love geting objective and useful criticism because that is (to me) the only real way to grow as a writer and has also been the hardest thing for me AS a writer (I was once very shy about sharing unfinished or rough draft work). take care and check back whenever you’d like! I will try my hardest to continue posting my work!

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